THE VELVEETA CHEESE, DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY, PIM, MORALLY BANKRUPT, MAGICAL THINKING DEFENSE

THE VELVEETA CHEESE, DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY, PIM, MORALLY BANKRUPT, MAGICAL THINKING DEFENSE

The Twinkie Defense was born in the 1979 trial of Dan White who faced charges for the premeditated assassination-style murders of San Francisco City Supervisor Harvey Milk and Mayor George Moscone. White's defense team successfully argued that the defendant was suffering from diminished capacity as a result of depression (that no one knew about) and that recent changes from a healthy to a high sugar content (this is the Twinkie part!) diet was not only an indicator of his acute depression but acted to exacerbate his uncontrollable mood swings from high to low. The jury ate it up and licked their fingers. They convicted him of the lesser included charge of involuntary manslaughter thereby letting the high fructose corn syrup take the blame. There were riots in San Francisco that night.

The Velveeta Defense was actually not born until May 24, 2011- but it had a 3-year gestation and an extremely complicated labor and delivery.

It sort of went like this:

My granddaughter has been missing for 31 days! It smells like there's been a dead body in the damn car! Why do they want to talk to me? Why didn't you call 31 days ago? Zenaida (hyphen) Gonzalez (hyphen) Fernandez. Universal Studios. Sawgrass Apartments. I don't actually work here. Jesus Christ, what died? Not everything I told you is a lie. Oh my God- calling you guys?- A waste, a huge waste! Win her over with chloroform. Everyone lies, everyone dies. The smell was from old pizza and garbage that was in the trunk. Fusion shot girls. Casey wasn’t working so she could bond with Caylee. Hot Body Contest. I just saw your little cameo. Casey was an event planner. Neck breaking. Household weapons. Shovel. How to make chloroform. Shovel. MOTY. I am a nurse of decomposition. Zanny is actually Casey's code name for Jesse Grund Or Amy Huizenga. Casey has lied to me in the past but when she's lied she's told me the truth. Two dead squirrels crawled up into my engine. SIMS card. I believe everything my sister says. OMG, I am such a good liar! I have Zanny’s phone number and address. Snothead. The bamboo in our garden is very aggressive, it grows 4 feet a day. No one is letting me speak! All they care about is finding Caylee! Get off your asses and go find my granddaughter! Surprise, surprise. Timer 55 means Caylee will be home by her 3rd birthday. Maybe I am a spiteful bitch. Anyone who gets involved with the Anthony family gets body slammed. She wasn't pregnant, she had female problems. Yuri has it in his head that I've done something. Why is she crying? She was stealin, boozin, screwin and tattoin. I didn't come 3,000 fucking miles and leave my chihuahua behind to listen to this bullshit. Guess who spends an eternity in jail? Casey, why do you strut like that? No one sees that I'm the victim here. Maybe someone put a body in the car after it went to the tow yard- Why don't you call them about their security? We are watching the people who have her. No life bloggers. The Scamanthonys. You're all a bunch of leaches and maggots. Tubesocks. Big sunglasses. They haven't even found her clothes yet. A meter reader walking off the road into the woods to relieve himself.... Animals had gnawed and scattered the tiny bones. My entire life has been taken from me! No child should have duct tape on its face. Maybe Casey hated Cindy more than she loved Caylee. Jose told me last night that he's sorry I never met a man deserving of me, who would've taken care of Caylee and I, as we should have been. I just sneezed my confirmation from God (smiley face). Heart sticker residue. George sweats a lot and it dripped into the trunk, that’s why there was traces of decomposition in there. If you don't care about what happened to Caylee then just admit it -stop twisting the truth and doing the bidding for her defense. I had no idea PI’s where looking for a body in the woods down the street from my house. They’re the most cold-hearted family in the United States of America. Daisy chains. Tim Miller's motives were to obtain publicity for his organizations at the expense of exploiting my granddaughter’s disappearance! I cancelled on Oprah for integrity. CMA! CMA! I want the sheriff to apologize to me. Think of it as a huge corporation and you're the CEO. Next week, we're going to Perry Town.

The public will know, within the first minute when I stand up in opening statements, why Casey Anthony waited 31 days to tell someone her daughter was missing.

Juannie Cochran. The Velvet Hammer. Yummy Yuri. Dreamy Jeff. Lovely Linda. Trial by ambush. Who ARE you? May I call you Miss 2132? Your Honor, I don't know why we're even here. I don't see any pink elephants. I'm the one with the bad hair. Discovery Violations. Sanctions. Can we go back to the old Perry Plan? Death is different. PIM. Don't go there. Imaginary friends. Junk science. Sniff machine. Mythical evidence. Magical thinking. Evidence tampering. Conspiracy by the State!
An accident that snowballed out of control. Do you sweartotellthetruththewholetruthandnothingbutthetruthsohelp-youGod? I do. Innuendo is not evidence! Morally bankrupt. Dysfunctional family. A well documented liar accuses everyone else of lying. Being forthcoming and being truthful are two completely separate things. The neat thing is, you don't get to ask the questions.The stain was there when we bought the car. Could it be consistent with a banana? It was garbage. It was trash. There was a box of Velveeta cheese. Could someone have had the munchies? Did you use your magnet-oh-meter? There were maggots everywhere! Did you wrap your pig in a blanket? The smell made me jump back two feet! Science fiction. We're not going to crack the can open in opening statements, no. How cool is that? You're not a chemist, are you? So, your testimony is that tobacco spit smells like human decomposition? Kronked. Guestimate begins with the word 'guess.' They are trying to kill my client! This is not my first rodeo. Comfort break. Square peg in a circle hole. Batphones. Is that qualitative or quantitative? Did you do experiments on live human cadavers? Objection! Sustained. Denied. Snidebar. I do not want the jurors comin in and out like poptarts! Red flag. You have also attempted to put electronic leashes on fleas, have you not sir? Special recess. The dessert lady. Did you heed all of my previous add-moe-nishuns? Subject to recall. Agents of the State. I felt left out! The witness was intimidated by osmosis! Maybe a dog buried it. Blah, blah, blah. We are not blessed with coyotes here. Bella Vita. Put your skull back together, Dr. Spitz. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, not every homicide is a murder. People don't make accidents look like a murder. This had better not be an imaginary problem. Did you ask Casey Anthony if she ever committed suicide? How much have you been paid so far? I sold my story to the National Enquirer because I knew I could trust them to tell the whole story without editing. Is it true that this is an accurate depiction of what it is depicting? You're not a piece of duct tape, are you? Did you euthanize your pets before you buried them in the backyard? Your Honor, may the jury raise their hands if they're confused? A lie told convincingly is still a lie. Motion for mistrial denied. So, what other meaningless work do you do? I find that very funny, sir- I was not romantically involved with River Cruz. I object to all the objections. You're going to have to be more pacific than that. 1 + 1 = 2. I searched for chlorophyll- I don't know what my computer does when I'm not there. Blah, blah, blah. Judges are not potted plants. Who cut the cheese? If you open that door, Mr Ashton is going to drive a mack truck through it. The scene was staged by Mother Nature herself and no one else.

The duct tape, the laundry bag, the blanket, the car and finally the tee shirt that said Big Trouble Comes In Small Packages......... Who's life was better? That's you're answer.

But on 07/05/2011 the jury got that answer wrong and left us all wondering not only what happened to justice for Caylee, but how a defense team as incompetent as Casey Anthony's appeared to be convinced what we assumed to be 12 average American jurors that innuendo was in fact evidence and that the big bad government somehow violated Casey's constitutional rights by trying to frame her for the murder of her baby just because she was a slut and therefore deserved it.

The Twinkie Defense worked back in 1979 and in 2011 it was resurrected successfully in Orange County Florida as the Velveeta Defense.

As Justice Antonin Scalia said in 2006 while opining on the matter of the United States vs. Gonzalez-Lopez (right to counsel of choice):

"If I am a defendant, I don't want a competent lawyer. I want a lawyer who's going to get me off. I want a lawyer who will invent the Twinkie Defense..." He added "I would not consider the Twinkie Defense an invention of a competent lawyer, but I want a lawyer who's going to win for me."

And to our horror, the Velveeta Defense did indeed win for Casey Anthony.

OMFG Priceless!!

BRAVO!!!!!

kh worked her own magic, again! Kudo's to kh, very well said!

I'm still in shock over the verdict.

Great Job kh! Made me laugh and cry, thank you for sharing that with us.